Thursday, April 19, 2012

I'm a Bully...

Hello, my name is Nay and I'm a bully.
To myself.
I keep putting myself down just because
I don't look like everyone else,
dress like everyone else,
act like everyone else.
I'm not trying to make this a pity party, believe me.  I'm so over the "woe is me, I'm not like everyone else" bit. 
I just want to be pleased with who I am. 
When does that happen, people?
Anyone have a clue?
I will be 38 at the end of the month. {Thirty-eight! That's really close to 40...really close!} 
I know I'm really good at making my friends feel like they are worth it and that they can climb mountains and get through those valleys...but, about me?
I can't even take a compliment very well. 
Maybe it's because I don't think I deserve it. 
Maybe it's because I felt, throughout my childhood, that I wasn't good enough.  I didn't have healthy female role models and that makes a difference to a girl.
Well, that's about to change right here and now...not for me.
For my daughter. 
I have to show her what a woman is supposed to be like. 
If I can't feel it all the time, I can pretend, right?
I'm really good at pretending...
The female role models I did have were definitely good at teaching me that.

Sorry about the rant...didn't know that was in me.  It's nice to be able to do that though and to have you be there.
linking up with Manda Jane at


Natassia Butler said...

Well I think you are wonderful and I haven't even met you in person {yet}. I will say though that its so encouraging to hear you talk about your daughter and changing that way of thinking for her! Its so important! I love my mom very much but so often I feel not good enough because of how I see her judging herself. She isn't judging me or how I look but because I know what she wants to look like or dress like, I feel not good enough... I hope that made sense. :)
love you girl!! You are amazing!!!

Manda Jane said...

very honest post. I appreciate that. I think we all struggle with and feel like this at times. But it's so important for us to be the example to our girls and try to make sure they don't deal with some of the same things as they grow up and get older. It's a tough world out there and it's hard to remember to embrace and love who we are - imperfections and all!

Brooke said...

Nay.... I love your honesty in this post. I feel like I can relate well, I'm sure a lot of us can. It is about your daughter but it's also about you. Do it for you because you DO deserve it.

My mother has spent our entire lives hating her body. This has rubbed off on us (my sister and I) in some big ways and some little ways. She would "help" us by pointing out areas for improvement. It took me a LONG time to realize that her intention behind her comments wasn't to make us feel badly but unfortunately for a long time they did. You can only be told "you should really put on some lip stick", " you need to pluck your eyebrows" "go put on some blush you'll look better"...."are you really going to wear that out of the house?" ..."do you need that cookie?"....etc for so long before you start to wonder about this person who is supposed to love you just the way you are... I have NO doubt that my mother loves me. But it has been a long road to stop resenting and start changing the dialogue inside my head. There are days where it's more work then others.

I don't love that I've put on weight but I'm working really hard to not let it define me like it has before. Instead I embrace my curves and move forward. I don't know what the trick is to letting go of worrying about what others think and just knowing you're awesome the way you are. If you figure it out let me know. In the mean time we can just do our best one day at a time!


Kristen said...

I'm so glad that you want to be a positive rold model for your daughter! In Mary Kay, they are obsessed with the phrase "fake it till you make it". While I hated this in the business world, I think it is absolutely relevant in how we talk to ourselves, and in thought patterns (to an extent).

By showing your daughter that you are kind to yourself, and loving and accepting, even during life's little mess-ups, you will slowly start to believe it for yourself, and BOOM!!! you've changed, and now you ARE more accepting and loving of yourself.

I can relate to your other awesome readers, it seems like we pick up a lot from our moms. I remember being really young, and my mom putting the whole family on diets because she needed or wanted to lose weight. It was really hard on my self esteem, and I never felt like I was the right size. It's a struggle for me to not be hateful of myself when something gets too tight, or the scale looks a little more squished than usual when I get onto it. I'm really hoping that I can be a different kind of mom, and not have my kids see themselves the way I see myself.

Ashley said...

What a great post, Nay. I was looking in the mirror the other day and remarking at how "fat" I looked when my son came in and heard me. He then proceeded to stare at himself in the mirror and repeat what I had said. It stopped me in my tracks and made me ashamed. How can I promote a healthy body image in my children when I am so negative myself. I really need to change the way I not only talk to myself but how I feel about myself. It is a daily struggle.

Charisma Moran said...

You can fake it until you make it but I think you should start every day with a list of five awesome things about yourself. Pretty soon, you won't need to because you will already wake up feeling awesome!