Friday, June 29, 2012

Better? Check.

Friday?  Check.
Good Attitude?  Check.
Let the curls happen?  Check.
Tea instead of coffee?  Weird, but okay...check.

Hello My Loveys!
I woke up this morning and am thrilled that I have another day to be here.
I am currently brainwashing myself to "choose [my own brand of] joy" because as I told you yesterday:
I. Am. Done. with the slumpy attitude I had this week!

Yesterday was a much better day and something amazing happened:)
I was sitting in my cubicle working away when
I got the best idea for a book.
I furiously grabbed a post-it pad and wrote out every single word before I forgot them.  It started with just a thought. Three post-its later and I had the premise of a good story.
I'm excited. Very. Excited.

Last night after the kids went to bed, I took those post-its to the dining room table and wrote them out in a notebook.  Those three post-its developed into a page and a half of writing.

I'm happy when I write.  I never thought about it before.  I was texting with Nichole last night and she said that was probably why I was down this week.  I hadn't had a chance to write a blog post (let alone breathe at work) until Wednesday and boy, was I in a fowl mood.
{Thanks for enlightening me, N!}

Dude!  I forgot to give you something to drink again!  But, you're so cool, you probably have a cup of something in front of you.  Can I show you, though, what I got to drink at lunch yesterday?!
My very first EVER fancy shmancy designed capuccino! 
Isn't it darling?  I've been wanting to drink one of these
I had it at this new eatery in Pasadena called Abricott.
I think they went into my dreams and took my idea for the dream restaurant I'd have.
I need to dedicate a post to it SOON.
A must try if you are ever in the area.
{It's a french-chinese fusion kind of place...really neat!}

So, it's Friday.  It's getting better in my little world.  And?
I love love love you guys tons!

'til our next little caffeine-induced chat...
Go to Alissa's...she always has the right cup for, well...anything!

Thursday, June 28, 2012

I have superpowers.

The last couple of days I have been beating myself up.  The "I'm not good enough" thoughts were invading my brain.  I felt like I needed something or someone to get me out of it.
I did my usual to block it out:
more coffee
not looking in the mirror
It was so stupid!
Yes, we all have bad days.  I understand that.  I'm just so over it already.
Sometimes I don't need anyone to tell me if I'm good or not.
I need to give myself a swift kick in the butt and say,
"You are enough.  You went through hell, but it's time to get over it already.  It's getting annoying. What happened to all the 'choose joy' stuff, huh?  Start practicing what you preach.  Jeez!"

You know what else?
I saw some t-shirts on-line this morning that said,
"I make milk.  What's your superpower?"
"I grow people.  What's your superpower?"

That's right.
I have superpowers.
I had forgotten!
I do those things and so much more.
So. Much. More!

I just have to remember that I do.
I also discovered what my krptonite biggest enemy.
You know, that stupid little voice that doesn't mean anything.
The Enemy.
That Jerk.
You know who I'm talking about, right?

Just when I was feeling pretty darn wonderful last week -
Mr. Oh-No-I-Don't-Think-So came by to make sure I wasn't happy.

I have a message for you, Satan.
You may be able to weaken me once in a while, but guess what? 

So there!
{blowing raspberries}

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

{Almost} Wordless Wednesday

I haven't had a lot of words lately.
All of those words down there?
That's how I'm feeling these days.

Source: via Renee on Pinterest

I want you to know that I am not "not blogging".
I'll be back.
I'm just "off".
Miss you.
~ Nay ~

Friday, June 22, 2012

Want some ♥ with that coffee?

Good Morning...
It's been so long since we've sat down and just chilled.
And it's Friday, so I've made a little time this morning to share with you.
I "wished" this cup of love for you...

How's your week been?
I hope it's been better than mine!
It's been a doozy around here for the last two weeks.  Work is extra busy - home is good, but messy (as in, I haven't put those clothes away yet, home cooked meals? what are those?) - and life?
I'm moody, sniffly, cough-y...and to top it off, Aunt Flo came for her visit yesterday. you feel bad for me yet?

But it could be worse, right?
It can be, really!
I could have no job to be busy family at home to take care of or "not" cook for.
So I have to keep thinking
"Choose Joy, Nay!"

I've been reading blogs here and there these last two weeks, but not really commenting.
Except for one post this week!
Can we please please send some love to
Absolute mommy
This girl has had one heck of a week.
{You can see why here.}

 The up side?
She's held up her head high.  I'm so very proud to say she's one of my bloggy besties.
You go, Megan-girl! ♥ ya!
I forget that there are haters out there.  But, for every hater that comment vomits, we get triple the love.
I hate "the hate" that I see on other blogs, but I love to see all the positivity that comes out of it.  All that support that yells out to the haters,
" can't go there!  You're wasting your breath..."
I'm thankful that I haven't had to go through that (I may have just jinxed myself - lol), but I know that I would have you all to support me and help me get through it.
Thanks in advance for that.
Oh no, coffee's done?
Want another cup?
Go see wonderful Ms. Alissa and all her other girlies having coffee at her linky place!
Happy Friday!


Thursday, June 21, 2012

the usual

Yup, that about sums it up for me today.
It's mind over matter, people!

I may not be feeling totally well today
{still with the slight summer cold}
but I really don't have time to let it bring me down.

There are things that need to get done
at home, at work, and at home again.
You know the usual.

What will sum it up for you today?
ps:  I promise to have a wonderful coffee break with you tomorrow...
or if time permits, maybe some tea later?

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Take it all in...♥

I found this print here:)
I was looking for inspiration this morning.
I was on pinterest trying to find
a quote,
                      a photo,

What I found was the image above.
I went straight to the source and it was a choir of angels harmonizing in the distance!
{get it?}

I really don’t have a lot of words
 encouraging or inspiring
for you this morning,
{I think it's the first 'cold' of summer, maybe?}
but I thought I’d leave you with that image…

It’s a lot to take in, right?
So take a moment…
Take it in.

I’ll talk to you later.
~ Nay ~

Monday, June 18, 2012

I was going to...but then...{1}


You know Brooke, right?
My fabulous bloggy friend and blog designer?
Well, a bit ago, Brooke did a post where she wrote
 "I was going to...but then..."
and I loved it. 
I loved it so much I pleaded with her to start a link up with that theme.
{okay, I didn't plead or beg, but I said, "pretty please"}
And looky up there! She did it!

So here I go linking up with one of my bloggy besties.
{Yay, Brooke!}

I was going to...
clean the house, do laundry, and color my hair this weekend, 
but then...
the community pool on Saturday screamed our names...and then everything went down from there.

I was going to...
read and respond to emails and check blogs,
but then...
I remembered weekends are family time.
{Just as my hijacker said this weekend...don't think I didn't notice, Pidgalicious, that you got on here and talked all that mess!!! lol}

I was going to...
redesign the bloggy and start branding,
but then...
I needed to put my thoughts together and figure out what I want this place to really look like.

I was going to...
put myself down on Sunday because I was feeling fat,
but then...
I took this girl's advice and everytime I thought something bad about myself, I made myself think two nice things instead:)

So what were you going to do but then didn't?!
Support my girl, Brooke, on her new linky - it's fun!
Happy Monday Loveys!

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Hijack back...

This is not Nay
I’ll give you one guess all of you trusty readers…Come on, you’ve gotta know who this is.  Payback may be slow but it always comes.

It’s Pidg!
Hijacking my bestie’s blog!  Woo hoo!  I feel so free!  It’s a funny story really; my Nay doesn’t update her passwords very often evidently and look who just busted through the front door!
{You can’t trust anyone these days let me tell ya!}

Oh yes, after she Hijacked my bloggy months ago I’ve been intending on getting her back, but everything always got in the way.  Well, not today!  I’ve been plotting and planning and grinning each time I thought about all of the things I could entertain you with.  And my ADHD self was trying to come up with a theme of taking her blog hostage and of course, because it’s me, I couldn’t narrow any one thing down.  I’m just so proud I’m here!
{Yep, I’m that easily entertained}

I figured since it was the weekend and she doesn’t blog on the ends of the week {cuz it’s family time} that this was my perfect opportunity to strike.  {Yes, I’m still giggling.}

But instead of silly and dork-wad things I usually do and talk about it hit me… I can totally ooze all of the great things about Wondermous Nay that keep me going.
Let me tell you a lil about our friendship.
When we first met, we totally blog stalked each other.  Then we decided it wasn’t too creepy if we called each other.  Then we would have coffee dates all the time via phone and email.  Oh how I miss those coffee dates.  I’ve since gone back to work in the real world and it just isn’t as much fun.  {I’m lonely}


When I’m working long hours, I get random texts from Nay saying things like
“Have a great day my Pidgalicious!” 
 {Yes, that’s my full name.  wink}

And when I’m down {here in NC} somehow my Cali friend senses it and will randomly call me.  {Sometimes from under her desk so she doesn’t get caught at work…true story}
When she’s taking long road trips with the Hubs and she’s drained him with her rambling; she then starts texting me because I never get drained!

Her blog is one based on inspiration and lifting others up.  The funny thing is she is constantly struggling to lift herself up to her own high expectations.  I truly love this woman.  She’s as good as it gets and I’m so lucky to have someone that is my true friend a million miles away.

Wow, this is totally sappy-awesomeness!  But really, I just wanted to put out there how much she means to me and how weepy I know she will get when she reads this.  See, she’s the inspirational, thoughtful side of our friendship.
I’m the brawn and well… threatening menace that keeps the world safe.  {giggle}

 It works for us. {smirk}

So to all of her readers, thank you for sticking by her and supporting her.  Please pass her along.  One day, I promise you, we will have ourselves a published author.  I may not know the title of the book, but the author will surely be Wondermous Nay.
{Yes, she’s seriously in my phone under that name.}

Okay now I must take my leave with an ode to Nay…

To my bloggy bff
We’re thick as thieves
We’ve never met, but we’ve always known each other
My Fiona fingered friend
Someday we’ll be sitting on my ranch at your lake
I love you from the subsol
Thank you, for seeing me through the good, the bad, and the ridiculous fun times…

And to all of her readers, thanks for letting me gush!


Haha... {not Nay}

Friday, June 15, 2012

Book Review and Giveaway: Safe Within

{From the author's website}
How often does an adult book come along that is set in a tree house? Safe Within begins with the backdrop of this storybook setting, but this tree house is no child’s fort – it is a full-sized home, populated with a family that is facing some of life’s most realistic struggles. Set in fictional Lowfield, North Carolina, the narrative follows the story of two strong-willed women confronted with unexpected circumstances. Elaine grew up in the tree house cabin, high above the shores of a beautiful lake. Looking up at her, Carson saw a figure out of a fairytale. Then he fell in love. Thirty years and one son later, Carson and Elaine return to the cabin, with Mick, their now 24-year-old son, not far behind. It is Carson’s favorite place, and because he has only weeks-maybe days – to live, this is where he wants to be. But their time by the lake is anything but peaceful for Carson and Elaine. Carson’s headstrong mother, Greta, who has long been estranged from Elaine, sets loose a neighbor’s herd of alpacas because of a land dispute. With Carson too weak to retrieve his mother from police custody, Elaine is drawn into the storm of Greta’s life – a situation that is sure to continue once Carson is gone. Once Elaine finds herself a widow, she wishes to move away from the past, but another crisis with Greta renders this desire impossible. In addition, Mick is determined to find out the truth about his parents and the grandmother he has never known.
An intense exploration of the inevitability of family, Safe Within demonstrates that the hardest bonds to forge can be the most necessary.

What I thought:
{I know, I know...I said I wouldn't do another book review...that I'm not a book blogger.  BUT I couldn't pass up an opportunity to review a book from TLC Book Tours.  They are the reason I started blogging.  So here goes!}
I had a hard time with this novel.  When I had read the description I was excited.  Life in a tree house - I'm in!
But I couldn't connect with the characters or the story.  I did like the flashback aspect of the novel, but I was left wanting more...I wanted to have the "I can't put this book down"-feeling and I didn't get it with this book.
This is not to say that I didn't like the book.  When Carson passes away, I could feel the heartbreak in Elaine's loss.  I see her laying next to his grave and not caring what anyone else thinks.  I see her dying inside as I would.
I think this book will be on a lot of book club lists this summer.  Even though it's a long read, I do see people with a wanting for some "southern-ness" to enjoy this book.
And they'll want to read if Carson is Mick's daddy...or is he? {dum dum duuuummmm}

Would you like a stab at reading this book?  Leave a comment with your email address.  I'll announce the winner on Monday.

For more info on this book, go to the TLC Book Tour page! 

Thursday, June 14, 2012

♫♪both of us♪♫

Hi loveys,
So there are those days where I have no idea what I'm going to write about....and usually those are my best days.  I just let it flow on here - I just release.
Do you know?
Do you know that I think about you guys a lot,
wondering how your day is going,
wondering if you are happy - sad - excited - disappointed...?

And I really like that I know stuff about you - you, my reader - yes, you on the other side of that screen:)

You know that I want to lift you up so that you never feel like you aren't good enough.
You know that I want you to be the best YOU can be, not what THEY want you to be.
You know that when I'm feeling down that I write it here because not everything in life is flowers and fireworks...but sometimes it is which is awesome, right?
You know that I try to be as REAL as I can on here because I want you to know that you aren't the only one that goes through stuff....we all do:)

And I definitely, without a doubt, know that I want you to come to this place to feel
encouraged, inspired, empowered...
So, I don't know what kind of music you listen to...but I do know that you "get" what I like to talk about on here.
Here's what happened to me yesterday:
I was running around with my head cut off!  I was trying to be
You know, the usual...:)
I was driving out to pick up the kids from afterschool daycare (okay, sh...I was rushing) and a song goes on the radio.
I had never heard it before, but I started listening...really listening.
I stopped myself to just listen (okay, I didn't actually stop the car, but you know what I mean) and tears were rolling down my cheeks.
It was great!
I think I have found the anthem to my blog - to the purpose of this blog- what I'm trying to put out there to you.

So as I said before, you may not like the kind of music it is
(maybe you do?),
but you do like to read
(um, you like to read my babbling at least) you can't deny that it's a great message.

I'm out! {lol}

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Still Choosing Joy :D

Yes! Two posts in one morning.
What are the chances!?
So you know how I went to Elevate on Saturday?
you know how I just had a blast meeting a bunch of bloggers?
you know how I've been working on Choosing Joy for myself?

guess who was one of the speakers at Elevate?
Ashley Hackshaw
She was a remarkable, moving, and inspirational speaker.  She was the kind of person you could listen to for hours - someone who is so down-to-earth and had me laughing one minute and then crying the next.  In other words, my fave!
But this isn't what I meant to tell you...let me get back on track.
Ashley has been through the ringer, so to speak - but, of course, because she is darn awesome - she has rised above it all.
By using this one daily mantra for herself
I know, right?!
Choose Joy!
Read this post all about her mantra...campaign...her journey.

Her talk at Elevate moved me.
It made me think about what my blogging journey is....
Actually what my life journey is...

"What is it that you really want, Nay?"
That's what's on my mind now.
And you know what?
I'm really excited to find out what the answer(s) to my question will be.
Because you know I take you with me on all this...
Now I want You to ask Yourself:
"What is it YOU really want?"


Guest Post: "Having Autism at Home"

Good Morning Loveys,
Today I have a very special guest blogger.  I am a tad bit biased, though, and you'll see why.
Mari has always been someone I have been very close to and I cherish.
I hope you'll learn a little and enjoy her as much as I do.

I am Mari, Nay’s cousin from Peru. I live in the UK now and have my own little family of four - hubby and two lovely kids. I met my hubby in Peru, but to cut a long story short - he was on holiday, love at first sight, within 10 months I was moving to the UK to live with him. Crazy, huh? We have two children, my eldest son is Tim, he is nearly four years old and was diagnosed with Autism this March (although I knew but was not sure since last September).  My youngest is Luna, she is two and is, in the language of us Autism mums, ‘neurotypical’ (non-autistic).

I have a blog of my own in Spanish – sorry haven’t had the chance to start translating it into English yet but am planning to do so when life gets a bit more normal. My blog is Tener Autismo en Casa (it translates to ‘Having Autism at Home’ or something like that). I began writing as a way of sharing my experiences with my family and friends.
Another important reason is that the topic of Autism is such a big topic,
so much to learn about, understand, take in,
I couldn’t wait until I travelled to Peru to visit to explain it all to everyone.
But this would be impossible.
So that is why I started writing,
to get things off my chest, to share
and to bring awareness of how families like my own live
what we need to change, adapt and think about to help our children.

As it is such a broad topic, I wanted to share a little about how it is for a new family to deal with new routines and resources at home and how it is all a joint effort. But before doing that, I’d like to say that Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) is very broad, and that every person with autism is different, all having different abilities and difficulties – some like my son have little speech, some are very fluent, some have no spoken language at all. So once you have met one person with autism, then you’ve met ONE person with autism, we must not generalize.
Once you finally get a diagnosis for your child, you can go in two different directions, one of feeling worried, anxious about the future and maybe even sad of letting go of the ‘idea’ you had in your mind of what your children would be like – because let’s face it, we all assume our children will be perfect and we don’t always stop to realize that perfection does not even exist. Or you can go on the direction of feeling relief, and a weird sense of happiness.
That is where I went when we got the diagnosis. I just needed to confirm that something was up and now that it had a name, I could look it up and work to make it easier for my son, it was plain weird when the pediatrician gave us the news and I smiled the biggest smile ever and refused the tissues I was being offered, I didn’t feel sadness, I felt relief.

Once I knew what we were facing as a family, I looked up resources, materials, support groups, you name it, I did it. Information is power! I found out children with autism have very good visual understanding, so instead of telling him constantly what he was supposed to do and what he was not supposed to do, I started showing him. Many flashcards, visual timetables (pictures that illustrate what we would be doing, one after the other), safety signs and many more were printed, laminated, and stuck to walls, cupboards, kept in handbags, key rings, the lot! It made a world of difference. He finally understood what I was talking about. Breakthrough!
As much as the visuals worked, it was important to try and give him a routine that worked for the whole family. So he got used to this routine and was happy to comply with it. School holidays and unexpected illness is never a good time for him, as he expects to carry on with what he normally does. We are getting better though.

When you plan a day out with your family, you might think about where you are going, who you are going with and maybe carry a snack just in case. In our family, a day out means planning an adventure; we need to choose the place, find out how many exits there are, as he likes to run off. We need to choose the right time, as crowds can overstimulate him. We need to make sure we take his food as he is a very fussy eater, he won’t just get a sandwich from a shop and eat it, no, no, no, no crusts, one type of butter, no salad, so we have gotten used to taking his food with us (even drinks and chocolate). We have to time it and tell him about where we are going as unexpected can trigger anxiety. I have pictures of most places we go to, so when he is about to get in the car I give him the picture of the place we are going to and he holds it until we get there. In the car, I tell him what we will be doing in that place. This helps him. If we are going to meet someone, also get a picture for him to hold, so he knows the ‘where’ and the ‘with whom’.
It might sound over the top to some of you, I don’t know. But this is what is NORMAL in my house, and we now do it more naturally.  It works for us. Everyone that is involved in Tim’s life at the moment, has to work under the same rules, as he needs consistency. It is a joint effort otherwise it is unfair on him to change things suddenly. I do like to change bits and pieces of his day but we do those changes gradually as he needs to get used to changes as life is going to change with no prior notice, he needs to be prepared to cope.

Having to raise a child with autism is not different to having to raise any other child, what you do for your child, I do for mine. I make sure he is prepared for life, for change, for people around him. I want him to be safe and happy. I want him to be respected and treated fairly. I want him to have a family, have a job and be a good person all in all. I just need to do some things differently. So why do I write on my blog, because some people don’t see it like this sometimes, they see me as an overbearing mum, as a walkover because I let my kid do things ‘they would never let their children do’. My child needs to do certain things to release something inside him to help him concentrate and be happy. He needs to hum sometimes, he needs to spin in the middle of the supermarket aisle, he needs to do push ups in the middle of a movie screening. So, I let him. He is not harming anyone, he is just being my son, and I love him. Sometimes he needs to scream in a tantrum over what to you is nothing, but to him is completely distressful as he doesn’t understand the world the same way you and me do. The world is confusing to him.  So then, I need to let him scream and make sure he is safe. Next time you see a child that is acting a ‘tad odd’ or ‘overreacting’ think that maybe that child has something else to deal with, a disability that is unseen. Don’t be like some people I’ve encountered and give that mum a ‘look’ as she might be already at her wit’s end and that ‘look’ might make things even worse for her. Be supportive and just give them a smile that says ‘it will get better’. That will make a huge difference at that moment for her.

Things do get better and we are looking forward to the future.

Big kiss and thanks for reading
 ♥, Mari

Monday, June 11, 2012

The thing about bloggers...

In real {non-blogging} life, you could never really say to someone,
"I've follow you everyday and I feel like I already know you!"
without feeling like a creepy stalker or something.

Only bloggers would understand that it's not creepy at all. 
We know about each other in very intimate ways as if we were part of each others' families.

So on Saturday, when I went up to Nina from
Momma Go Round
she didn't freak out when I gave her a big hug because I "know" her.
She didn't freak out when I congratulated her on being preggers.
She didn't run the other way when I told her how much I appreciated her because of all her outfit posts.
She just gave me a warm smile because she knows.
She knows I'm not a stalker or her #1 psycho fan.
She just gets it...just like you do.

I met some wonderful bloggers (and now friends) at
this weekend.
It was the best day ever. 

I can't wait to show you more about the conference.
And OH MY GOODNESS - the swag!
Too Thrilling!

And now just a little note:
Dear Summer, Jen, and Nichole,
I am so very happy to have been given the opportunity to meet so many wonderful women on Saturday.  Thank you for making the event better than what you envisioned.
Thank you for providing so much fun and loving fellowship for like-minded women.
Thank you for giving me some, well...ME time!
And who woulda known I could shake a tissue box like that (ha!)...
So thanks for giving all of us a good ole time!
Love you three bunches and bunches!


Wednesday, June 6, 2012

I'm on it!

Source: via Renee on Pinterest
I've decided...
I've thought this through...
I will no longer
hold back on how I feel.
try to be something that I'm not.
try to prove to others that I'm good.
make others proud of me.
try to please others to make them like me.
hold back I'm-frustrated-type tears or out-loud-in-your-face-kind of laughter.
wonder who is my enemy or why.
I vow to
put myself first and foremost.
pray before I leap into something.
think before I speak.
love long and hard.
say something nice to myself about myself everytime I put myself down.
treat my body as the glorious temple it is.
build a foundation within me where I put myself on a pedestal because no one else is going to if I don't.

You know what else I've decided?
I will do this for you.
I will remind you that everyday is a journey.
It really doesn't matter where you end up because you need to make sure you are doing YOU right.
You are important.
You need to give yourself "props", that imaginary pat on the back.
You need to do that all the time because you deserve it.
I deserve it.
I’ve decided
I'm going to be your annoying friend who will try to inspire you
encourage you
empower you
to be everything I know you can be.

Let's do this - let's not hold ourselves back.

What do you think of them apples?

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

According to My Hubby...

Every morning I drive in to work with my hubby.  It's our time.  We listen to music, talk, you know the usual.  I'm usually babbling away and he listens.  That's how we roll.
So this morning I'm racking my brain about what to blog about.  So I think to myself why not ask him.  You never know, right?
"Hey Babe, I need help with what to write on my blog today.  It has to be a '10 things' kind of thing."
"Does it have to be 10?  Can't it just be 5?"
Gives him 'the look' and roll my eyes.
"Okay, what?"
" about a 'ten things you can do for yourself today' or 'ten things you never knew about me'?"
"I like the first one better."
I grab a notepad and pen. 

Ten Things You Can Do For Yourself
{according to Nay's Hubby}

1.  Treat yourself to your favorie cup of java...or tea...or in my case, ice cold large Coke from McDonald's.

2.  Look in the mirror and say, "You fricken rock" or "you're hot", whichever you prefer.

3.  Smile at every person you encounter today.  If they are someone who usually annoys you, smile wider.  It takes less muscles to smile than frown. 

4.  Do stretches.  If you throw your back out, you get to call in sick (or take it easy the rest of the day).

5.  Listen to soft music.  If you doze off, you get some rejuvenation out of it.

6.  Try something you've never done before.  You might like it (or at least now you know why you never bothered trying it before).

7.  Stop and smell the roses.  If you get stung, refer to the latter part of #4.

8.  Change your morning routine.  It can be as simple as driving into work a different way.
{My hubby says this with a big evil smile, "and it drives you crazy." Yeah, he thinks he's funny like that.}

9.  Just dance.  You heard me.  I'll wait.

10.  The world is a good place.  Live it up. 
Life will happen.  Remember to squeeze living in.

I love him.
He humors me.

What did you think of my hubby "life advice"?